Can Not Sleep: Journals and Last Summer

I haven’t posted in a long time. I don’t know why. Sometimes I think it will be cool to blog. Then I realize that I don’t really have anything important to say, talking about myself the whole time and assuming the world wants to hear it is pretty egotistical, and people whom I don’t really want to share with read it… But whatever, I can’t sleep. So who cares? Why the hell am I posting this on the internet?

School is over. It’s weird. It’s been a day, and I already don’t know what to do with myself. I feel antsy, and bored, and unproductive (even though I spent all day editing a video. [Might be why I am restless.]). I was browsing through my journal (the one on paper), today, mainly looking at the hand writing. It’s pretty cool to see how it changes. There was one entry that really caught my eye. The hand writing started out all normal, and progressively got more and more crazy, until I could barely read it. The entry itself was really strange, too. It started out with saying that: I am happy now, I have realized where I’ve been going wrong the past year, I am interested in things again, and engage in fun activities. Then I started ranting about PSP boy next to me. Which lead to no hope for humanity. Then, why do I think I am so better than humanity? I am the same shit as them. I am a egocentric, elitist, miserable being.

I must say. It was odd.

But, it made me think about last summer, and the kind of flux I was in. While at times I felt pretty insane, I really enjoyed that feeling of not knowing what was going on, having no idea where I would end up next. Don’t get me wrong, I am incredibly happy right now. I am probably the happiest I’ve been in a long time, my life rocks pretty hard. But, while thinking about last summer, and not being sure if I was going to be in Bellingham very long, I miss it. I feel like I’ve settled for contentment, when I should be out, homeless, exploring the world, or living in NY, or SOMETHING exciting. That’s what youth is for, right? Fucking shit up?

But I do have some excitement. I am enjoying my life a lot right now. Yes, I did kind of settle for Bellingham, but that’s OK. I can’t really afford NY right now. I can still have fun and excitement in Bellingham. And if I want to, I can make myself feel fucked up. Intentionally not sleeping, or eating, or what have you… Maybe thats not the right way to go about it.

I am sick of taking care of myself well, I am sick of being happy and spoiled, fat and placid, secure, stable and sane. I am discontent with being content.

But hey, I’ll be in Japan in a month, that should help me with some of my summer restlessness.